Looking back at the photos from these past weeks, it’s hard to believe what I grump I’ve been. More truthfully, I’ve been there for months. Some folks seem to be able to blog no matter what their mood, but I tend to stay away from this space if what comes out is likely to be complaints. Yesterday, this arrived in my inbox, and was so true, it hurt a bit to read:
Meditation begins to open up your life, so that you’re not caught in self-concern, just wanting life to go your way. In that case you no longer realize that you’re standing at the center of the world, that you’re in the middle of a sacred circle, because you’re so concerned with your worries, pains, limitations, desires, and fears that you are blind to the beauty of existence. All you feel by being caught up like this is misery, as well as enormous resentment about life in general. How strange! Life is such a miracle, and a lot of the time we feel only resentment about how it’s all working out for us. – Pema Chodron, from Awakening Loving-Kindness
That’s where I’ve been exactly. Tallying up how much I’m getting out of this, instead of looking around and being plumb grateful to be here at all. Because truthfully, here is an amazing place. Yes, the house needs endless work, the children have been bickering and not sleeping, etc etc . . . but so what?
I keep going back and forth about how much I really want to say about this, but one major reason for my funk is this – last spring I got a copper IUD. Each month, I have felt more and more like a malicious twin has taken over my body, while I watch her breathing fire and wonder what exactly happened to the me who used to actually like my family.
In brief, I had it taken out a few weeks ago. I’m working with my favorite healers at the People’s Acupuncture Clinic, making time for yoga and also for some active movement (like running around the yard while the little ones play in the sand box, or doing jumping jacks), and I’m taking time to pray, to sit in quiet and list out my gratitudes. Truly, there are plenty of reasons to be grateful, and I am starting to feel my old self returning. It’s been a humbling time.
Since I started to feel better, lo and behold, everyone else seems to be feeling better, too, or maybe just my ability to be with them is so much better. We’re having an unusual, quiet weekend, and I’m so thankful. Blessings on a new week, friends.